Author Archives: akhillaker

“There’s a holiness in the fact that people are living in the world in a way that makes them feel that the world is addressed to them” Marilynne Robinson, New York Times Magazine 2/15/24 It is easy to spend so much time in our lives frustrated because we are trying to live in ways thatContinue reading “Addressed”

As I was practicing yoga in my living room the other day, the instructor’s words suddenly rang out to me. “Notice if you’re kind of waiting for it to end,” she said throughout the practice. Her words resonated with me, not because I was eager for the pose in question to be over, but becauseContinue reading “Where Can I Soften?”

The other day, I found myself in my recreational tennis class, working on my backhand. One of the coaches kept suggesting that I slow down my swing. “Slow it down?” I asked, confused. Yes, he told me. Sometimes if we’re moving too fast, we can’t pay attention to the details of what we are doing.Continue reading “A Heron and a Tennis Coach”

Recently I sat in front of a large window with a toddler in my lap, watching the world go by. She would point excitedly and exclaim “beep beep!” every time a car passed by or “tweet tweet!” for every bird. But there were inevitable stretches where there were no beep beeps or tweet tweets inContinue reading “Waiting and Watching”

I had planned on attending an ecumenical Taizé service for Ash Wednesday. I had planned on having that gritty past smeared on my forehead in the shape of a cross to remind me of what seems pretty clear to me already most of the time— that we are formed from dust and to dust weContinue reading “Ice instead of Ashes”

It’s an aggravating cliche for a reason— sometimes joy comes through right when you need it the most. Now, it doesn’t always solve anything, and can come with more questions than it answers, but it turns out it does actually happen sometimes. I didn’t expect that a snowy, quiet, and anxiety-haunted Wednesday morning would suddenlyContinue reading “Joy Comes Through”

I stomped around for most of the morning, feeling restless and resentful. Waiting is the worst. Working towards things that feel like they may never actually come to fruition is vulnerable and scary. It is taking too long. I was feeling frustrated and annoyed, and a bit angry with God, I came to realize. ItContinue reading “New Leaves”

Waiting, still. It’s a phrase that pulls me subtly in two directions, the gentle and insistent pull of two tides. The first is the tide of frustration and impatience. It is my inner small one crying out “I’m still waiting? When are were going to get there?” The second is the pull towards stillness thatContinue reading “Waiting, Still”

There are lots of ways to wait, and lately it feels like I have tried them all: waiting with impatience, waiting with hope, waiting with fear, waiting with excitement, waiting with resignation. In the moments when my companions in waiting have been less than pleasant, it has been easy to wonder if I’m doing itContinue reading “Waiting With”

Waiting is hard work. It sounds like a passive posture. It sounds like a period of not-doing. But those of us who have experienced profound periods of waiting know how untrue that is. Instead, waiting can hold some of our deepest engagement with the things that scare us the most. When we wait, we areContinue reading “Held in Waiting”